


There's Something About the Dwarf...

by madelinescribbles



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: First Meetings, Gen, General Shenanigannery, Humor, IPRE Bonds Over Stalking Merle Highchurch, Just Light-Hearted Fun!, Pre-Canon, Will This Fic Continue? The World May Never Know, pre-stolen century, you know what this is about
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-03-21 14:31:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13742949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madelinescribbles/pseuds/madelinescribbles
Summary: “TAAKO, HOLY FUCK!” Lup screamed in elvish and swatted at his arm repeatedly.He swatted back “WHAT?”“Look at him,” she whispered, nodding towards the dwarf with flowers in his beard, inspecting the potted plant in the corner."I'm missing something."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> aye! this has haunted my drafts for too long! get outta here, fic!

About one month before launch, the roster for the maiden voyage of the _UFN Starblaster_ was finalized. A total of 7 crew members - one senior officer, three junior officers, two enlisted, and one medical officer - were chosen and sent to Fantasy Cape Canaveral for mission preparation, and today, in the restaurant bar in the lobby of the Fantasy Marriott, the seven would meet for the first time.

It was a casual first meeting; optional attendance, with crew members milling about aimlessly, not entirely sure how to match roster names to faces.

Lieutenants Taako and Lup had been in the lobby for a total of two seconds before the environment became officially unprofessional.

“TAAKO, HOLY FUCK!” Lup screamed in elvish and swatted at his arm repeatedly.  
  
He swatted back “WHAT?”  
  
“Look at him,” she whispered, nodding towards the dwarf with flowers in his beard, inspecting the potted plant in the corner. Er, maybe inspecting wasn’t the word. Whatever he was doing was much more... personal.  
  
“Yeah, I mean he does seem like kind of a weirdo, but don’t you think it’s a little low to fuck with a cleric on the first day? I guess if-“  
  
“No, dipshit, I’m not talking about fucking with him! Just look at the guy!”  
  
Taako watched. The dwarf whispered to himself and stroked one of the leaves on the ficus.  
  
“I’m missing something.”

Lup sighed.  
  
“How can you-?” She snapped her fingers in realization and squeezed his shoulder gently, casting True Sight.  
  
“I forgot your perception is shit. Look again.”  
  
And dear god, Taako saw it.  
  
“LUP, HOLY FUCK!” He screamed and swatted at her arm repeatedly.  
  
“I KNOW!”  
  
“OH MY GOD!”  
  
At this point, a few of the other people in the room were beginning to stare, and he was starting to think Beefcake and Denim knew elvish, because they were glancing at the dwarf a bit too.  
  
“We talk to him first,” Taako whispered urgently.  
  
“Definitely,” Lup agreed, and they sauntered across the room in unison, splitting off and flanking the dwarf without another word.  
  
Taako bent over to drape a many-ringed hand on his shoulder.  
  
“What’s, uh, what’s up preacher-man?”  
  
The dwarf jumped in surprise and his hands snapped away from the ficus like he was just caught shoplifting.  
  
“Oh! Uh, hi!”  
  
“Got a name, darling?” Lup leaned on the wall beside the plant and didn’t look up from pretending to check her nails. Taako thought that was awfully confident for someone who screamed at the top of her lungs the first time she saw this guy.  
  
“Uh, yeah. Merle. Dr. Merle Highchurch, technically. But uh, just Merle’s fine.”  
  
Lup glanced up from her nails to make a millisecond of eye contact with Taako.  
  
He can’t claim to be a mind-reader, but knowing his sister, that nondescript barely-glance meant something along the lines of “What the fuck, there’s no way this isn’t an act. Keep digging until you hit oil or he’s crying on the floor.”  
  
“Right, right, of course,” Taako already forgot the last thing this guy said, “Well, Merle, what brings you to the crew of the Starblaster?”

Merle looked surprised.

“Oh, uh, well, you know… There’s potential for whole new worlds out there, and, uh, I was never really one for sitting on my ass when there’s adventure to be had, right? …And, uh, I mean, if I don’t come along, who’s gonna heal you knuckleheads, right?” Merle chuckled and leaned against the wall beside Lup.

Lup scooted slightly away from him in discomfort. Taako rolled for intimidation.

“That’s really your only motive?” he asked, eyebrow raised and hunched over the dwarf in a manner that was vaguely menacing; just enough to make Merle uncomfortable.

“Well, yeah?” Merle seemed sincerely confused, “Why, am I supposed to say something else? Did I fail another test?” he asked the sky, the last question sounding so genuine it was almost pathetic.

Taako caught Lup’s eye in his peripheral vision.

“Nope!” he leaned back with a clap and a disarming smile, all traces of a threat suddenly evaporated.

“Great chat, babe,” Lup patted Merle on the head before pushing off the wall and stepping in sync with Taako, retreating across the room once again.

“I have a feeling I missed something,” Merle sighed before turning back to the potted plant, “I’d ask you if you noticed anything, but I’m more of an oak man - no offense.”

A single leaf fell off the ficus.

“I’ll tell ya what; if I figure it out, I’ll call you,” he winked.

Across the room, Lup and Taako were once again conversing in hushed, rapid elvish.

“That was like, a 16. Plus 2!” Taako hissed, “He should have fessed up.”

“I know! I did two investigation checks and an arcana just in case. I got a 19 on one of them! We’re not crazy, but he was definitely being serious. I don’t think he knew what we were talking about.”

“What were you talking about?” asked a voice in highly-accented broken Elvish.

Suddenly they both realized there was a third head in their huddle and leapt apart in surprise.

“Who the fuck are _you?”_ Taako spat.

“What’s with the spying, weirdo?” Lup asked, a bit less venomously.

The intruder frowned.

“I’m Magnus. Petty Officer 3/C Magnus Burnsides? You two sat next to me yesterday, during the fire safety brief?”

“Doesn’t ring any bells to me, homeslice,” Taako shrugged. Lup elbowed him.

“We talked for like an hour,” Magnus was visibly crestfallen, “I showed you pictures of my dog, Sprinkles.”

“We remember you, Magnus,” Lup assured him, “Taako’s just being an asshole. Don’t mind him.”

“I mean I definitely am, but you should still mind.”

Lup whacked his arm. Taako whacked back.

Magnus shook the teasing off pretty quickly, a huge goofy smile returning to his face.

“It’s all good! But what’s up with Merle? You guys were shouting about him earlier, and now whispering.” Magnus suddenly dropped his voice, “Is he an asshole? Are we gonna teach him a lesson?” He cracked his knuckles.

“What?” Lup was startled, “No, nothing like that! Damn, Magnus!”

“No no no,” Taako waved his hand at her dismissively, “I like his loyalty. I got a list of names for you, buddy.”

Magnus frowned.

“I only punch assholes. If they’re not racist, homophobic, or a murderer I can’t help you.”

“What about transphobic?” Taako inquired.

“Oh, yeah, them too,” Magnus agreed.

“Taako! He’s not an attack dog for you to sic on people!” Lup argued.

“What? I’m just thinking if we point him in the right direction…”

“Taako!”

“Greg Grimaldis.”

Lup paused and brought her hands to a tent in front of her mouth.

“...Ok maybe when we get back,” she angled them at her brother, “But no one else!” she clarified with an accusatory point.

“Should I know who that is?” Magnus asked. Lup waved him off.

“Don’t worry about it, Beefcake. Let’s focus on the Merle problem.”

“Right. Punching Merle.” Magnus nodded.

“What?” Lup asked.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“Yes!” Taako grinned.

“No! Taako, stop it!”

“Am I punching Merle or not?”

“DO IT!”

“NO! Magnus, focus. Ignore Taako.”

“Are we punching someone?” a small voice asked from behind Magnus and Taako. The two parted to reveal a young woman with dark skin and a curtain of white hair over her face, scrawling something in a pocket notebook without looking at it. She looked apprehensively at each member of the huddle, as if she was waiting for one of them to order her away.

“I think so?” Magnus said.

“Merle,” supplied Taako.

“NO! Stop! No. Taako, shut up. Magnus, no punching. You…” she pointed at the sudden fourth member of the party, “Just, fuck, I don’t know, don’t encourage them.” She paused. “Wait, who are you?”

“Lucretia. Petty Officer 2/C. Official Record-Keeper for the mission. Local gay.”

After half a second, Lucretia seemed to realize exactly what she just said and her entire body went rigid, seized with terror.

Taako silently held his hand up for a high five, which Lucretia took weakly without looking at it, wide eyes still fixed on Lup in absolute horror.

“Right. Well, I’m Lup. You know these chucklefucks. I promise we don’t bite,” she smiled sympathetically, “And no, we’re not punching anyone, something I have stated _several times,_ but no one seems to understand that,” she glared at Taako.

“We’ll leave it as an open action item and come back to it,” Taako shrugged.

“Okay, so if we’re not punching Merle, what are we gonna do to him?” Magnus asked.

“Lock him out of his hotel room,” Taako suggested.

“Fill his bedsheets with mustard?” Lucretia offered quietly.

“We’re not- you don’t even know what this is about!” Lup cried, “Neither do you!” she pointed at Magnus. “You,” she pointed at Taako, “are the only one who does, and you know full well we have _literally nothing against this guy.”_

“Then why did you want me to punch him?” Magnus asked, “I told you, I only punch assholes, Lup. It hurts my feelings that you would take advantage of me like that.”

A little bit of smoke started to curl off the ends of Lup’s jacket, and she took a deep breath before she could burst entirely into flames.

Lucretia flipped to the next page and scribbled even faster.

“I swear I thought one Taako was bad,” Lup mumbled. “Ok, here’s the sitch. Have either of you looked closely at Merle?”

“No,” said a new voice to her right.

Sure enough, Denim guy had apparently materialized between her and Magnus at some point, and was acting like he had been there the whole time. Hell, at this rate Lup would not have been that surprised if he was.

She sighed.

“And who the fuck are you supposed to be?” she asked, defeat in her voice.

Denim blushed and shuffled awkwardly.

“I’m Barry. Uh, Lieutenant J.G. Sildar Hallwinter, Science Officer.”

So, _this_ was the other junior officer.

“Right. Nice to meet you, Bluejeans.”

Barry blushed even harder and looked down at his shoes.

“No one told me there was a dress code,” he mumbled.

“I conducted investigation checks on every person in this room,” Lucretia, gods bless her, actually knew how to hold a conversation thread for more than two seconds. “I didn’t notice anything unusual about him.”

“Yeah, but what were you looking for, and what did you roll?” Taako asked, as if he was any good at perception without Lup.

“Oh, uh, just the basics. Nervous tells, suspicious magical qualities or items, any outstanding skills that would be valuable for the mission. For Merle it was only a 12, but I didn’t think I needed to go any higher. I mean, look at him,” she whispered.

The entire group turned in time to watch Merle clumsily knock a model ship off one of the shelves lining the walls. He glanced nervously around the room and retreated swiftly towards the ficus.

“Fair point,” Lup conceded, “But you clearly weren’t looking for that same ‘outstanding skills’ that I was. Try again.”

“I already did. Which one is Merle?” Magnus asked.

“So Beefcake rolled a 1,” Taako noted.

“I still don’t know what I’m looking for…” Barry said hesitantly.

“Neither do- hoLY NUTS!” Lucretia’s eyes widened with a shriek and she grabbed Lup’s arm in excitement. Suddenly she seemed to realize herself and let go, lowering her voice.

“How is that even possible?” she asked in awe, “And what does it mean for us? For the _world?”_

“That’s what we wanna know,” Lup said.

“And that’s what we’re gonna find out,” Taako agreed.

“Aww c’mon guys, tell us!” Magnus begged, “Larry and I wanna know too!”

“It’s Barry-” Barry tried to argue.

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Spill it, guys!” Magnus pleaded, hands clasped and shaking like he was asking them to spare his first born.

“I’ll tell you what it is,” a voice from behind Lup said dramatically. She stepped out of the way and sure enough, the Captain of the mission himself was adjusting his monocle, looking them all over. “That man has 1,999 party points.”

“My god,” Barry breathed.

Lucretia immediately flipped to a new page and began writing faster than ever, actually glancing at the page this time.

“WHAT A LEGEND!” Magnus shouted loud enough to cause an echo throughout the high-ceilinged room. The entire group immediately shushed him.

But it was too late.

“Whatchya guys talkin’ about over there?” Merle asked, waddling away from the hanging ferns by the door and towards the cluster.

The group shared a panicked glance. It was over. This guy would never tell them the secret of his party points if he figured out they were gossiping about him. Hell, he might not even let them party with him at all. And the twins _needed_ that kind of party.

“INSURANCE RATES!” Taako shouted suddenly. Lup smacked a palm to her forehead.

“What the fuck,” Lucretia said flatly.

“They’ve gone up for magic users lately,” Barry offered.

“This is- Wait. No shit, really?” Lup asked, “They told me it was because of higher tornado risk on the plains! Those lying motherfuckers.”

“Oh yeah, I heard about that,” Merle jumped in, “Been real nasty hikes since Fantasy Congress refused to pass the healthcare bill.”

“I can’t believe that bullshit worked,” Taako said.

“What?” Merle asked.

“Nothinggottagobye!” he grabbed Lup’s wrist and yanked her away and towards the door.

“Cocktail hour hasn’t even started yet!” Merle called after them.

“We’re a dry household!” Taako shouted back.

As soon as they were safely in the hallway, Taako turned to face her and grabbed both shoulders with a shake.

“I have a plan,” he said, “and the rest of the crew is going to help."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phase one of Taako's evil plan...
> 
> Delayed in favor of becoming girl scouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so I realized that using naval ranks for characters is definitely,, not a normal thing? I’m in the navy myself and since “captain” is a high enough rank to be in charge of an entire ship I figured these losers weren’t using army/mc ranks. So here’s a key for everyone’s ranks and paygrades:
> 
> senior officer: Captain Drew Davenport (O-6)
> 
> junior officers: Lieutenant Taako (O-3) || Lieutenant Lup (O-3) || Lieutenant Junior Grade Sildar “Barry Bluejeans” Hallwinter (O-2)
> 
> enlisted: Petty Officer 2/C Lucretia (E-5) || Petty Officer 3/C Magnus Burnsides (E-4)
> 
> medical officer: Merle Hightower Highchurch (O-4, restricted line)*
> 
> * I didn’t really have a planned rank for merle but here we are im in too deep
> 
> for context, the main difference between officers and enlisted is usually just education levels and military training, I hc lup, barry, and taako probably studied at the institute and mags and Lucretia worked their way up (manual labor/secretary work are often enlisted jobs). feel free to let me know your own opinions in the comments! i realize a lot of this is just me projecting real hard lol

“No.”  
  
“But Captain-”  
  
“Absolutely no.”  
  
“I will see every single one of you in hell,” Taako said before flopping dramatically onto the bed.  
  
The entire crew, sans Merle, were gathered in the twins’ hotel room the next morning, having just heard the plan to discover the extent of Merle’s powers.  
  
“LT Taako, I refuse to throw an illegal party with IPRE funds.”  
  
“Illegal? What are we, 75? Everyone here can drink!”  
  
Magnus raised his hand. “I’m 19?”  
  
“Same here,” Lucretia said quietly.  
  
“What the fuck! Did Fantasy NASA cradle rob you?” Taako cried.  
  
“I don’t even care about the underage drinking policy,” Davenport paused, “Don’t tell the IPRE I said that, I definitely care about the underage drinking policy. But I was referring to the fact that I am only permitted to use government funds for my squad’s necessities. Not,” he looked squinted at the whiteboard at the front of the room containing Lup and Taako’s wild scribbles, “35 winecoolers and 17 cases of fireball whiskey.”  
  
“We put some beer on the list for losers too,” Lup grumbled.  
  
“I like beer,” Barry said sadly.  
  
“I prefer Marshmallow Vodka,” Lucretia commented without looking up from her journals. When everyone fell silent to stare at her, she finally glanced up and shrunk herself in embarrassment.   
  
“No, you don’t,” Davenport said, “you’re 19 and if anyone from Big IPRE asks, you’ve never heard of alcohol and don’t even know where this room is located.”  
  
“Aye aye, sir,” Lucretia said quickly, clearly terrified.  
  
“You got it, Cap’n’port!” Magnus said, way too lightly to mean it.  
  
“Right, right, of course,” Lup waved her hand, “No one was ever here. But come on, Cap’n’port! I know you’re just as curious as we are to see the dwarf in action,” she begged.  
  
“I’m not money-laundering for this!”  
  
“What if we raised the money ourselves?” Barry asked.  
  
Everyone fell silent.  
  
“Bluejeans, you fucking genius,” Lup whispered, “BOOZE BAKE SALE!”  
  
With a snap of his fingers Taako was decked in a fancy pink chef’s outfit, hair tied back into a net. The couch was now an oven/counter island and stocked with baking ingredients.  
  
“THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!” he shouted.  
  
“Was that- was that a 9th level spell slot?” Lucretia asked, “We have a kitchen in the suite intersection you didn’t have to-“  
  
“DON’T CARE, COOKIE TIME!” Magnus shouted, shoving her out of the way.  
  
The crew scrambled to their feet towards the counter. Taako began shouting orders: grab eggs, measure flour, start stirring, preheat the oven –hands _off_ the batter, Beefcake!  
  
Davenport sputtered out some vaguely indignant noises.  
  
“What’s wrong, Captain?” Lup asked, voice dripping with over-exaggerated sweetness thicker than syrup, “Something wrong with how we spend our personal time?”  
  
“I-I-well-I,” he paused and took a deep breath. “Fuck it. As long as you tell the IPRE that this was your own idea and don’t tell them you’re buying alcohol for underage persons, you can all go buck wild.”  
  
“Hell, yeah! That’s what Taako likes to hear! Chop, chop, minions, I want the red velvet in by 1400.”  
  
The next few hours were a bona fide assembly line for individually-wrapped sweets that would give Little Debby a run for her money. For probably the only time in his career, Taako was a brutally efficient leader. Sure, Lup was in charge of the cooking part and did her fair share of confiscating licked spoons from Magnus and keeping anything harder than no-bakes away from Barry, but make no mistake; this was Taako’s domain. He was a morbidly fascinating intersection between the commanding authority of Gordon Ramsey and the kitchen grace of the Barefoot Contessa.  
  
“Creesh! Where’s my meringue! I need it five minutes ago!” Taako snaps his fingers over a row of seven pie tins filled with lemon tart.  
  
“Sorry, sir! Magnus needed help cracking the eggs,” she said quickly.  
  
“The egg shells kept getting in the batter!” Magnus defended himself.  
  
“That’s because you were slamming them into the side of the bowl rather than tapping, bud,” Barry commented from the electric mixer.  
  
“No excuses! Get moving before I assign you to icing duty!” Taako barked, “And for crying out loud, why is Barry not in his corner!”  
  
Lup materialized beside Barry and ushered him away from the mixer, handing him a cookie cutter and patting him on the head.  
  
“What do you mean my corner?” Barry asked indignantly, “I have two PhDs.”  
  
“You sure do, babe,” Lup smiled at him, definitely a little patronizingly, “Let’s see how many little men you can cut from one sheet, huh?”  
  
Barry sighed.  
  
“Based on the dimensions I would estimate 42,” he said sadly, pressing the cutter into the corner of the pan.  
  
“DAVENPORT, WHERE ARE THOSE CHOPPED NUTS?” Taako shouted from mixing a quickly-caramelizing pot on the stove.  
  
“YOU’LL GET THEM WHEN YOU GET THEM,” Davenport snapped back, “I don’t know why I’m taking orders like this, I’m your captain,” he grumbled, as he carried a gallon bowl of chopped nuts across the room.  
  
“Magnus rolled a nat 20 with those puppy dog eyes; we own you, homie,” Taako grinned and plucked the bowl from Davenport’s hands, “Might even let him lick the brownie spoon for it.”  
  
“WOO!” Magnus pumped his fist beside them, splattering cake batter across Taako’s face, hair, body, and the entire wall.

The room froze.  
  
Rule #1 of Taako’s kitchen: Taako. Does. Not. Get. Dirty.

No one breathed.

Taako very slowly wiped the batter out of his eyes.  
  
“Uh, oops?” Magnus grinned sheepishly.  
  
Before anyone could react, Taako cast a spell at Magnus’ feet. A 3-foot diameter pitch-black hole appeared underneath him and Magnus fell straight through; the hole closed up after him.  
  
“WHOAH!” Lucretia scrambled backwards, sending her bowl of cookie batter clattering across the floor. Davenport blanched, but otherwise remained calm and began tapping his monocle frantically.  
  
“TAAKO, WHAT DID YOU DO?” Barry shouted, ripping out a wand of his own from inside his robe. It looked suspiciously like it was carved out of bone, Lup noted. What the fuck.  
  
Taako’s face remained dire for about 3 seconds until Lup caught his eye and the two couldn’t hold it together anymore. Much to the confusion (and in Davenport’s case, anger) of the rest of the crew, they burst out laughing.  
  
“Lieutenants, tell me what happened to Magnus, _right now_ ,” Davenport ordered, still rapidly tapping his monocle.  
  
Taako and Lup laughed even harder at that.  
  
Lucretia, at this point, had produced another notebook from _somewhere_ and was writing faster than should be humanly possible.  
  
“This isn’t funny! Where is he!” Barry shouted. And Lup had to admit, the nerd had surprising balls to yell at Taako, the guy who just banished their security officer, like that.  
  
With no help from the twins, Davenport decided to take matters into his own hands.  
  
“My monocle has True Sight, but I don’t see-”  
  
“HE CAST TRUE SIGHT! Taako screeched, “THIS IS GOLDEN, LULU!”  
  
Lup doubled over and laughed even harder. Davenport shuffled closer to Barry, who was still pointing his uncharacteristically badass wand directly at Taako.  
  
“Should I restrain him, Captain?” Barry asked.  
  
“I can’t find him! I’m cycling my monocle through the planar systems now, but he’s not in the ethereal plane or the-”  
  
_SLAM_.  
  
Everyone turned to the door that swung open.  
  
“Not cool, Taako,” Magnus stood in the doorway, arms crossed and face in a fake pout that was clearly hiding a smile.  
  
If the twins were laughing before, they _absolutely lost it_ now.  
  
“MAGNUS!” the other three shouted, all crowding around him.  
  
Davenport stood on his tiptoes and gripped the sides of Magnus’s arms. “Where the hell did you go!” the Captain all but shook him.  
  
“And how did you get back? Are you okay?” Barry asked.  
  
“Describe your full experience from the moment you fell through the portal,” Lucretia added, “If you did any arcana checks I want numbers and results.”  
  
Everyone stared at Magnus expectantly. The twins let their laughter pewter out to listen.  
  
“Okay, uh, One: Downstairs. Two: I took the stairs. Three: uh, I’m sad I dropped the batter on the floor but I’ll live, I guess. Four: …that wasn’t really a question but I think already covered it? I didn’t- I’m not a mage I don’t even think I can do an arcana check without hurting myself.”  
  
Taako let out a single snort, which made Lup lose it again.  
  
“Down… Downstairs,” Davenport repeated slowly.  
  
“Yes?” Magnus confirmed uncertainly, “Taako made a hole in the floor. I fell into some old lady’s room. She was upset about the batter, but was really excited when she found out who I was, so it was fine.”  
  
“I wasted eight spell slots trying to locate you. From one floor up,” Davenport sounded very, very tired.  
  
Lucretia was grinning wildly, right hand scribbling away.  
  
“Oh my god I almost paralyzed a Lieutenant,” Barry muttered, hanging his head in his hands.

“Hold the phone;” Taako held up a hand, “Backup, Bluejeans. Paralyzed? What fuckin’ spell were you planning on using on me, dawg?”

“Um…” Barry coughed awkwardly, eyes darting around the room as if looking for a way out.

“Is Lieutenant J.G. Sildar ‘Barry Bluejeans’ Hallwinter… a fucking necromancer?” Lup asked. Her eyes widened, “Holy shit, so that wand _is_ real bone! What the fuck, Barold!”

Barry, at this point, was beet red, and sweating enough to make a marathon runner jealous.

“No way,” Magnus shook his head, “You’re a pasty nerd who wears drugstore glasses! There’s no way you’re a necromancer.”

“Hey now, what's that supposed to mean?” Barry bristled, “Why can’t I be a necromancer?”

“Well it’s just that… c’mon guys help me out!” Magnus looked to the rest of the crew.

Lup, Davenport, and Lucretia took a physical step back. Probably because Magnus decided to piss off the necromancer.

“I mean, okay, homie,” Taako rolled wrist as he spoke, “You do kind of have this, uh, well I was gonna say ‘loser vibe?’ Lup says I have to be nicer, so I won’t. But I can’t think of anything better, so what I’m definitely saying is ‘loser vibe.’”

Everyone except Taako took yet another step back.

Taako looked over his shoulder, realizing he was alone in this.

“Hey, woah, Magnus started this, he doesn’t get to chicken out!” the others glanced back and forth nervously, “Really? No one’s gonna have ol’ Taako’s back?”

“Koko, babe, he has a wand made of _literal bone,_ ” Lup argued.

“Well, yeah, okay, I realized that about, uh, about halfway through the first insult. I’m honestly just kinda, ridin’ this one out? Can’t take it back once it’s, uh, – Seriously? _None_ of you are going to defend me? We were all thinking it!”

Barry sighed in defeat.

“It’s okay, Taako, I know I’m a loser,” he said sadly.

Taako shifted guiltily.

“Hey now, I didn’t say you were a loser, I said you were giving off loser _vibes_. That’s gotta count fo-”

Taako was cut off by Barry muttering something in primordial, and a spark of light erupting at his feet. He leapt backwards with a yelp, hiking up his apron.

Barry gave the slightest smile.

“Sorry, Taako. There was a spider. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return to my corner.”

Barry turned around and headed back towards the counter, humming quietly to himself as he cut gingerbread men.

The crew rushed forward, crowding around the location of the spark.

In the center of the tiny circle of singed carpet lay a very dead, very… oozy spider. A victim of-

“Blight,” Taako said feebly.

Lup broke into a huge grin.

“YOU’RE MY NEW FAVORITE, BLUEJEANS!” she shouted, pushing off Taako to leap towards Barry, “Let me teach you how to make apple pie, my dude, Taako can cut the gingerbread men.”

That seemed to snap Taako out of his shock.

“There is absolutely no fucking way I’m letting ‘Finger of Death’ over here touch my pie crust!” He shouted, smacking Magnus upside the head on his way back to the kitchen.

“And you’re on cutting duty, Beefcake!” he called.

The rest of the baking went relatively smooth, mostly due to the fact that they now had their Science Officer measuring ingredient proportions, rather than mindlessly cutting shapes. Though he still wasn’t allowed to _do_ anything with the ingredients. Taako made that abundantly clear.

5 hours and over 250 baked goods later, Taako finally allowed everyone to collapse in exhaustion.

“This is it, people,” Taako outstretched his arms and twirled in the center of the baked goods stacks, “Cha’boy’s gonna get enough booze money to party like it’s 1999.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm on a 13-hour train ride everything hurts and I stared at the face of god because this thing is shaking violently ive been awake for 20 hours
> 
> i cannot physically look at a screen any longer im sorry this chapter wasn't as good but im kinda dead inside. comment your train name below mine is Deceased.
> 
> anywho, thanks for stickin with this fic guys <3 your kudos and comments mean the world! hit me up [on my tumblr](http://moosey-art.tumblr.com/) for a chat!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phase two of Taako's evil plan becomes phase one of Lucretia's relatively neutral plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha wow it's been a while how's everyone doing...

The bake sale wasn’t going as well as the crew thought it would.

For starters, it was insanely _boring_. Barry suggested they set up in front of a Fantasy Costco because of how many people would be coming in and out, so Taako stole a folding table from the hotel’s storage closet, Magnus snatched a few chairs from the dining room, and everyone set up outside of a department store. It was a solid plan. Except that they were also 6 full-grown adults sitting outside of a buy-it-in-bulk superstore with a mountain of baked goods slowly melting in the sun, so nobody was exactly scrambling to get some.

Taako and Lup tried heckling passers-by to stave off the boredom, but after about 20 minutes of Davenport asking them to stop scaring away customers, that grew tiring as well. Magnus tried walking up to people and introducing himself with his rustic hospitality, which worked, until they figured out he was selling something and hurried away.

They probably had a total of 6 customers in two hours, which they had thought was pretty impressive, until the van showed up.

A beige van with a bright red and orange logo pulled in front of the Fantasy Costco. The back doors slammed open, and like a high-threat SWAT team, 6 children of about 9 years old shot out the back, carrying folding tables, chairs, hand-painted signs, banners, tablecloths, a fucking cash register, and at _least_  20 crates of boxed cookies. The speed and efficiency at which they set up a booth that looked like it had always been there was upsetting, especially considering how much longer it had taken the crew of a multi-million-gold space expedition to set up the measly single table and chairs.

That wasn’t even the worst part. No, the worst part was how much _goddamn better_ these children were at selling than they were. Within 15 minutes the little snot rags had easily over 20 sales. It was disgusting. Taako and Lup glared them down the entire time, giving covert nods at each other that the others were fairly sure meant they planned to sabotage the scouts. Magnus was attempting to keep everyone in good spirits, but eventually the whole crew was starting to get frustrated. Even Lucretia looked like she was ready to get up and flip the kids’ table.

Everything really came to a head when the fire started.

Lup insisted up, down, and sideways that it wasn’t her. Even Taako seemed to be genuinely innocent. But the fact of the matter was, a box of Fantasy Fudgie Fingers spontaneously combusted, and in an almost eerie unison the scouts started screaming for security to escort the IPRE crew of the premises. Within seconds the team was being strong-armed out of the parking lot by surprisingly ripped part-time mall cops.

“Hey, no, this is bullshit!” Magnus shouted as they dragged him away, “We didn’t do anything!”

“Yeah, we were here first!” Taako chimed in, “Arrest the little fuckers who took our spot and framed us for arson!”

“Taako, don’t-” Davenport turned to the security officers, “We’re leaving, please do not call the police, just let us grab our stuff,” he turned back to Taako, “And _please_ don't call children ‘little fuckers.’”

One of the scouts stuck their tongue out at the crew.

“Alright,” Taako blinked out of existence and reappeared in front of the scouts’ table. He grabbed one of them by the collar and lifted them off the ground, “I’m teaching Little Debbie here some manners.”

Before Taako could, presumably, turn the small child into a box of Little Lemon Lickems, he was encased in a clear bubble, kid dropped safely outside. He pounded on the inside of the shield and seemed to be cussing violently, but the bubble was apparently sound proof, because he just looked like a very good mime instead.

“So sorry about this,” Lucretia squeaked.

With a flick of her wrist, she floated the bubble into the air by a few feet to levitate it behind her as they left. Taako slipped and fell onto his face at the movement.

Lup snickered. Taako flipped her off.

“I’m so sorry,” Lucretia said, and swung her arm in a sweeping upward motion. The orb flew up into the atmosphere faster than a speeding bullet and disappeared into the clouds.

"Rest in fucking pieces, Galinda," Lup said.

“Me next!” Magnus called, “I punch the one closest to me,” he announced at the sky.

“Do you really?” Barry asked.

Lucretia bubbled Magnus anyway, just in case, but didn’t grant the satisfaction of hurling him away. Instead, she made the shield opaque and a bit smaller.

“I cannot stress enough how much we really do not need the police involved,” Davenport told security.

 

* * *

 

Eventually they managed to shove their “equipment” into a bag of holding and escape without making the tabloids. The rendezvous point was the parking lot of a Fantasy Chipotle across the street, since their wagon was towed and they weren’t really sure how to get back to the hotel without the map they left in the gauntlet compartment.

Lucretia dissolved the bubble around Magnus, who shouted dramatizations of his time in the “isolation tank” and “The Upside Down,” before Davenport jumped and slapped him across the face to shut him up.

She also plucked Taako’s orb from its pocket dimension and released him. He muttered a few curses under his breath about Sara Lee but let Lup play with his hair and stayed quiet.

“Okay, that one didn’t, uh, didn’t go too well,” Barry said.

“Yeah, who’s dumb idea was this, Bluejeans?” Taako said.

“Well, never said it wasn’t my idea, but if you’re going to be an asshole about it let’s talk about that fire.”

“I didn’t start that fire and you know it! That was a setup!” Lup shouted.

“Everyone calm down,” Davenport said, “Let’s just figure out what went wrong before we start rolling initiative at each other. We’ve still got three months in space together, and I won’t spend it pulling you apart like aggressive stray cats.”

“Aye, Captain,” Barry said with a bit of shame.

“Whatever,” Lup said. Taako rolled his eyes.

“Uh, if I may?” Lucretia said, “Perhaps we should try a different approach to sales?”

“I’m way ahead of you,” Magnus said, already tugging off his shirt and unlooping his belt, “I know a guy who sells peanut butter in bulk. I can get it here in-”

“No. No. Stop that,” Davenport said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t want to find out. Put your clothes back on.”

Magnus dejectedly pulled his pants back up.

“The shirt too, Magnus.”

“Aw, but Cap’n’port what if I-”

“Bup bup bup! Shirt.”

Magnus pouted but pulled his shirt back over his head to the relief of a very crimson Barry and a sweaty Lucretia.

“Right, um, what I meant to say, was that I have a better idea for how to sell our stuff that isn’t whatever horrible thing Magnus had in mind,” Lucretia said, “We could, uh, go door-to-door.”

“Ugh, that sounds like work,” Taako said.

“You single-handedly baked enough banana bread to feed over 300 people in less than 4 hours,” Barry said.

“This sounds like real work, Barold, like walking.”

“I promise, it won’t be that bad!” Lucretia said, “We can divide the surrounding neighborhoods into quadrants and each take a section. That way, you don’t have to go beyond a certain radius.”

“Hmm… Can I be with Lup so that I don’t actually have to talk to people?”

“Deal,” Lucretia said, “What about everyone else? Does that sound reasonable?”

“Worth a shot,” Barry shrugged.

“This is a great plan! I have a certain rustic hospitality that people really-”

“I’m in,” Davenport said.

Lucretia lit up, her timid posture giving way to enthusiasm.

“Perfect!” She snapped her fingers and small glowing stones appeared in front of each of them, “I prepared a map of a neighborhood for each of you on pre-programmed Stone-of-Navigations,” She tapped the surface of her stone and a blue-tinted holographic map of suburbia projected from it, “Every time you finish at a house, you can tap on it, and it’ll turn red, meaning you’re done. If no one was home, you can mark it as orange and return to it.”

She loudly clapped her hands around the stone to kill the projection, and it was vanished completely when her palms opened again.

“If Taako duplicates our bag of holding for the baked goods, it should give us each an entrance to the same dimension. Then all you have to do is convince people to buy these bad boys for $5 a pop. Our goal should be 35 each by 17:00. Any questions?”

Magnus tried to do the clapping-disappearance trick that Lucretia performed, but only succeeded in dropping his stone in the dirt.

“This seems suspiciously well thought-out for an idea that just suddenly hit you,” Taako said.

“You could say it was a backup plan. It’s almost like I knew you would fuck up the original plan from experience.”

“But that would be weird, because you only just met us,” Magnus said.

“Oh, yes, of course. How could I possibly know how bad at D&D you are? Total coincidence.”

 

* * *

 

Taako had to admit, selling door-to-door was a lot more fun than loitering in front of a grocery store.

Lup threw another egg at the second-floor window of house 2642, perfectly centered between two strips of toilet paper, and he reminded himself to thank Lucretia later.

“Ready for the next one?” Lup asked.

“Yeah one sec.”

He cast stone skin on a fruitcake and hurled it through the first-floor window. The glass shattered and the cake landed safely inside. The spell would wear off in an hour or so, and he figured it would be a pleasant compensation for the $20 he lifted off of the asshole who told them to “fuck off.”

After Lup had knocked him unconscious, of course.

She tapped the house red on the stone interface.

“2643,” Taako said, crossing the street, “Let’s hope they have better business sense.”

Lup rang the doorbell and waited politely. Taako paced back and forth, surveying their porch.

The door opened by the slightest crack, and a halfling-height eye peeked out.

“W-what do you want with me?” they asked.

“Would you be interested in buying some baked goods? Only $5; goes to a good cause.”

Getting their cleric wasted. It was a very good cause.

“…baked goods?” the person behind the door asked, glancing at the house across the street.

“Imma cut the crap with you, bubbeleh,” Taako said from where he was draped over the porch railing, “You’re going to buy at least two baked goods, or you’re going to end up like your buddy across the street. Get it?”

“Y-yeah. Yes, I’ll buy seven, whatever it takes. Please don’t break my windows. I-I’ll go get my check book.”

Taako hissed through his teeth. “Oof, buddy, I don’t think checks are the right move here. Checks can bounce pretty easily, and we got ways of gettin’ your number.”

Lup flicked the stone and the map popped up between them. She marked the house orange.

There was no way the halfling could possibly know what that meant, but the message was clear enough.

“C-cash?” they asked.

“Oh, how generous! Cash is perfect,” Taako agreed.

They sold 50 within the hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plans for next chapter include following everyone else's door-to-door adventures (and i'm VERY excited!)
> 
> audience survey: is magnus more likely to tell people what they want to hear ("you rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever"), or be recruited into someone's pyramid scheme (ala "Glass Bones and Paper Skin" guy). I have an idea but i'm on the fence about it...
> 
> thanks for being patient with me despite the irregular updates! i promise i still love this fic. every comment and kudos means the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Over one hundred years later, Magnus would meet a dwarf on a job, and get an inexplicable urge to to punch him.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm not sure if this'll go further, so i'm leaving it open, but if you wanna see the crew get crunk with Merle, lmk! Any comments and kudos appreciated! 
> 
> Hit me up [on my tumblr](http://moosey-art.tumblr.com/) for a chat!


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